On 17/09/13 02:21, Smartin wrote: > Two principles required additional shortening beyond our initial > efforts. We’d like to focus the discussion on these two to help make > sure that the additional changes conform to the original intent. > (Note - the numbers in parentheses are the character counts, targeted > at 118 or less.) > > Proposed #6: The Internet depends on interoperability, innovation and > decentralized participation worldwide. (95)
This version removes the reference to the Internet as a public resource, which I think is unfortunate (even if also present in principle 2). So I prefer the alternate revision below. > Notes: > > Previously approved version: The effectiveness of the Internet as a > public resource depends upon interoperability, innovation and > decentralized participation worldwide. (140) > > Alternate revision: As a public resource, the Internet depends on > interoperability, innovation and decentralized participation > worldwide. (117) What this version removes is saying that it's in particular the _effectiveness_ of the Internet which depends on these things. I don't think that's a significant change, so I would support this revision, given that it's also under the max character count. > Proposed #9: A balance between commercial involvement and public > benefit is critical to the health of the Internet. (102) This replaces "development" with "health", thereby changing the meaning. I think the original makes the point that the Internet has only developed to where it has, and will only continue to develop, with commercial (profit-making) involvement. "Development" is more forward-looking than "health", which is a current status. So I would suggest putting "development" back into the sentence. This revision also replaces "goals" with "involvement". I think that removes the nice balance between "public benefit" and "commercial goals". The key idea here is that some people consider these two things antithetical - you can have one or the other. But we don't - we think you need both, with neither dominating. The terms in the revision, "commercial involvement" and "public benefit" are not as potentially opposed in this way. The point of this principle is that the two are not opposed, and can work together. To make that point well, we need to state it in oppose-able terms, if that makes sense. So I would prefer: A balance between commercial goals and public benefit is critical to the development of the Internet. (102) or even: A balance between commercial profit and public benefit is critical to the development of the Internet. (102) That's an even stronger statement, and reads nicely - profit and benefit alliterate. > Other changes: > > Principle #1 - Replace the dash with a semi-colon. No problem with that (although it's a colon). > Principle # 3 – > Replace “individual human beings” with “individuals” I think the original form places greater emphasis on the humanity of the people involved, and less on their individualism (as opposed to seeing them as a group). Given that we don't need to make this change for length purposes, I don't think we should make it. > Principle # 5 – > Replace “it” with “online” I think "it" reads better. > Principle #10 – Replace “Magnifying” with > “Increasing” This seems like replacing a striking word from Mitchell's original with a more pedestrian one; I don't see the value in doing so. When changing the Manifesto, we should be biased against change. So I also think we shouldn't do this. Gerv _______________________________________________ governance mailing list [email protected] https://lists.mozilla.org/listinfo/governance
