I didn't know that this update was going on, or I would have chimed in
earlier! Here are my thoughts:
On 9/16/13 6:21 PM, Smartin wrote:
Proposed #6: The Internet depends on interoperability, innovation and decentralized participation worldwide. (95)
Nice and concise!
Proposed #9: A balance between commercial involvement and public benefit is
critical to the health of the Internet. (102)
I don't like this because "involvement" and "benefit" are neither
parallel nor orthogonally opposed to each other. How about this:
The Internet depends on commerce, but private profit must be balanced by
public benefit. (88)
Other changes:
Principle #1 - Replace the dash with a semi-colon.
Looks like you mean a regular colon.
Principle # 3 – Replace “individual human beings” with “individuals”
Principle # 5 – Replace “it” with “online”
Principle #10 – Replace “Magnifying” with “Increasing”
Proposed Revision as of 09/16/13:
1. The Internet is integral to modern life: education, communication, collaboration, business, entertainment and society. (118)
2. The Internet is a global public resource that must remain open and accessible. (80)
3. The Internet should enrich the lives of individuals. (52)
4. Security and privacy on the Internet are fundamental and can not be treated as optional. (88)
We have "must" in #2, "should" in #3 and "can" in #4. And then "must"
again in #5.
I say make them all "must". This is a manifesto, after all! The
repetition will sound good.
Failing that, I'd argue for upgrading "can not" in #4 to "must not" in
honor of the NSA.
5. Individuals must have the ability to shape the Internet and their own experiences online. (89)
Now that we have the webmaker initiative, it would be great if we could
work the word "make" into this principle. Maybe "make the Internet and
shape their own experiences online"?
6. The Internet depends on interoperability, innovation and decentralized participation worldwide. (95)
7. Free and open source software promotes the development of the Internet as a public resource. (93)
8. Transparent community-based processes promote participation, accountability and trust. (88)
9. A balance between commercial involvement and public benefit is critical to the health of the Internet. (102)
I proposed an alternative to this one above.
10. Increasing the public benefit aspects of the Internet is an important goal worthy of time, attention and commitment. (116)
This final principle is really the kicker: its the one that is saying
why it is that mozillians do what they do. We should really get this one
right. But as it stands, it is long and kind of clunky. "Increasing" is
vague. "Aspects" adds nothing. And having to say that something is an
"important goal" means that we haven't really made the case for its
importance. How about:
Enhancing and protecting the public benefits of the Internet is worth
our time, attention and commitment. (105)
Or:
Enhancing and protecting the public benefits of the Internet requires
our time, attention and commitment. (105)
I really like the idea of bringing Mozillians directly into this last
principle by using a word like "our" here.
David
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