The Primacy of Understanding Over Adjustment
“Adjustment is not important in itself, but understanding is essential.”
The negative aspects of adjustment include emotional and physical
distress, behavioral problems, and a decline in overall well-being. These
can manifest as increased anxiety, depression, and irritability, along with
physical symptoms like headaches and sleep disturbances. Individuals may
also withdraw socially, struggle with concentration, or engage in reckless
behavior as a response to stress.
Emotional and psychological impacts
Emotional distress: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, and
overwhelming stress are common.
Mood changes: You may experience persistent negativism, irritability, and a
loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed.
Mental fog: Difficulty concentrating, obsessing, and feeling restless are
frequent symptoms.
Loss of self-esteem: Adjusting to a new situation can lead to a significant
drop in self-worth and feeling like you can't handle things.
Behavioral changes
Social withdrawal: You may start to isolate yourself from friends and
family.
Changes in habits: Sleeping and eating patterns can be disrupted, leading
to insomnia or overeating.
Reckless or impulsive actions: In some cases, adjustment issues can lead to
poor decision-making or a higher tolerance for risk.
Difficulty with daily tasks: Simple activities like going to work or paying
bills can become overwhelming.
Physical symptoms
Physical complaints: You may experience unexplained headaches,
stomachaches, body aches, or fatigue.
Stress-related conditions: Adjusting can weaken your immune system and may
contribute to issues like high blood pressure.
Other physical effects: Some people experience heart palpitations or
trembling.
Other negative consequences
Stagnation: If adjustment is forced and unhappy, it can lead to a lack of
personal growth and a feeling of being stuck.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms: Stress from adjustment can lead to an
increased use of alcohol, smoking, or other unhealthy habits.
Duration: While most adjustment disorders resolve within six months of the
stressful event, they can become chronic and last longer if the situation
doesn't improve.
Human life is a continuous encounter with change—new environments,
shifting expectations, evolving relationships, and unforeseen challenges.
In the midst of these demands, people often emphasize adjustment as the key
to survival and success. We are told to adapt quickly, bend to
circumstances, and reshape ourselves to fit whatever situation we face. Yet
adjustment, when practiced without reflection, becomes a superficial act—an
alteration of behavior without an alteration of insight. This is why
understanding remains far more essential than adjustment itself: it
provides the foundation for meaningful change, authentic growth, and
resilient decision-making.
Adjustment is often reactive. A person may conform to pressures or
requirements without asking why they exist or whether they are just.
Students, for example, may adjust to a rigid educational system by
memorizing information rather than questioning it. Employees may modify
their behavior to please superiors, even when the workplace norms are
unhealthy or counterproductive. In such cases, adjustment becomes a
strategy of convenience, a way to avoid conflict or discomfort. It may help
one survive in the short run, but it does little to foster wisdom or
autonomy.
Understanding, on the other hand, is active and reflective. It
requires pausing, observing, interpreting, and discerning meaning. When one
understands why a situation is the way it is, adaptation becomes grounded
in clarity rather than compliance. A student who understands the purpose of
learning becomes capable of choosing strategies that deepen knowledge
rather than simply adjusting to the teacher’s demands. An employee who
comprehends the dynamics of a workplace can make informed decisions—whether
to advocate for change, adapt strategically, or seek a healthier
environment.
Moreover, understanding leads to sustainable adjustment. Without
understanding, a person may adjust endlessly, shifting with every external
pressure and losing a sense of self. With understanding, adjustment becomes
selective and intentional, aligned with one’s values, goals, and long-term
well-being. In this way, understanding transforms adjustment from mere
survival into meaningful self-direction.
Understanding is also essential for empathy and human connection.
In relationships, people often try to adjust their behavior—being polite,
agreeable, or accommodating—without truly understanding the other person’s
emotions or perspective. Such adjustments may maintain superficial harmony
but rarely deepen trust. Genuine understanding, however, enables people to
respond with compassion rather than mere performance. When we understand
another person, we do not simply adjust to them; we connect with them.
Finally, understanding empowers individuals to challenge harmful
norms rather than blindly adapt to them. Many societal changes—from
scientific breakthroughs to social justice movements—began not with
adjustment, but with questioning. Progress has always depended on those who
sought to understand the forces shaping their world and refused to adjust
to injustice or ignorance.
In conclusion, adjustment has its value, but only when guided by insight.
To adjust without understanding is to drift; to understand without
adjusting is to stagnate. The essential task is to cultivate understanding
first, so that any adjustment that follows is thoughtful, authentic, and
purposeful. Ultimately, it is understanding that allows human beings not
merely to adapt to the world, but to shape it with intention and integrity.
ADJUSTMENT IS OUT OF FEAR ONLY WHETHER WIFE , WOMAN OR STRANGERS;
SELF DEFEATISM ONLY WOULD ARISE , CALLING ADJUSTMENT AS PEACE PLN BUT
REALLY, INABILITY TO COMBAT. UNDERSTANDING ON THE CONTRARY WOULD PART WAYS
OR MEND THE WAYS TO LIVE IN FUTURE.
K RAJARAM IRS 11225
On Mon, 1 Dec 2025 at 12:55, 'gopala krishnan' via KeralaIyers <
[email protected]> wrote:
> Sirs,
>
> Even with balanced thinking, since the genes are different, many occasions
> conflicts occur. I don't think men are afraid of the wives,* but adjust
> most with them.*
> Gopalakrishnan
>
> On Monday 1 December, 2025 at 11:36:05 am IST, Rajaram Krishnamurthy <
> [email protected]> wrote:
>
>
> True indeed.
>
> On Mon, 1 Dec, 2025, 10:01 APS Mani, <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Wife is an asset. Balanced thinking, ladies as wives is the best.
> Traumatics are a burden. One has to be gifted with balanced thinking. The
> Almighty is great! Mani
>
> On Mon, Dec 1, 2025 at 8:20 AM Rajaram Krishnamurthy <
> [email protected]> wrote:
>
> Psychological reasons for fear of wives or women
>
>
>
> Psychological reasons for fear of wives or women include trauma or
> negative past experiences, fear of not meeting expectations, a feeling of
> being outmatched by women's strength or competence, and a perceived fear of
> consequences from women due to societal or legal factors. In some cases, a
> specific phobia called gynophobia can develop due to severe negative
> experiences.
>
> Specific psychological factors
>
> Trauma and negative experiences: Past experiences of abuse or other
> traumatic events involving women can lead to an intense fear and anxiety
> around them.
>
> Fear of expectations: Men may fear they are unable to meet a woman's
> demands, whether emotional, financial, or sexual.
>
> Feeling of being outmatched: Fear can arise when a woman demonstrates
> strength, competence, or self-confidence that makes the man feel inferior
> or threatened.
>
> Fear of conflict or anger: Witnessing a woman's anger can trigger a
> "fight or flight" response, especially if conflict is confused with abuse.
>
> Social and legal factors: In some instances, a husband may fear negative
> consequences from his wife, and attribute this fear to legal systems that
> are perceived to favor women.
>
> Fear of intimacy or commitment: Some fears are tied to the idea of
> marriage itself, often stemming from unhealthy past relationships or a fear
> of divorce.
>
> Phobia of women (gynophobia): This is an intense and irrational fear of
> women, which can be rooted in environmental factors and past negative
> experiences.
>
> Contributing factors and perspectives
>
> Aging and dependency: Older men may become more dependent on their wives
> for daily needs, leading to a fear of their own physical decline and
> reliance on their spouse.
>
> Strategic appeasement: Some men might feign fear to keep peace, maintain
> control of the situation, or avoid conflict with their wives.
>
> Misunderstanding of emotions: A lack of understanding of a woman's
> emotions can lead to a fearful reaction when she expresses anger or other
> strong feelings.
>
> It is important to note that these are general psychological reasons, and
> the specific reasons can vary significantly from person to person.
>
> https://youtu.be/mQs0OzwEUHY why husbands frightened
>
> https://youtu.be/WvK9iH0G7tY
>
> Why are men afraid?
>
> Well, the key is that men don’t even test it to see what will happen. A
> classic nice guy, when he gets into a relationship, quickly loses all
> assertiveness and all disagreeableness, especially once the relationship is
> officially established. It happens well before marriage, and escalates over
> time, until he’s a meek little follower.
>
> But the fact is that he hardly ever brings it up. He never takes a stand
> and never finds out what will happen if he really goes hard on a point. He
> gets a bit of resistance at the start – an emotional reaction he’s
> uncomfortable with – and completely surrenders from there on out.
>
> What are they afraid of?
>
> First is they’re afraid that something big and final will happen, and it’s
> not even worth the risk of testing. You can’t test this because it’ll be
> such a devastating impact that you won’t be able to repair it. There will
> be no second chances.
>
> Or they have come to the conclusion that isn’t worth testing because
> they’re sure of the predicted outcome. They’ve tested it before in some
> way, or they believe they have, and they “know how it’s gonna go.” They’re
> not going to bother testing boundary setting again because they see it as a
> guaranteed failure..
>
> Most nice guys are afraid that conflict and disagreement and dislike
> equals end of the relationship; total abandonment.
>
> I’d think, “See, she didn’t want to have sex with me last Thursday, and
> now we’re broken up. Told you!” I didn’t realize, of course, the way I
> reacted to her not wanting to have sex is probably the reason we broke up.
>
> Nice Guys have this idea from childhood trauma that if I am difficult
> emotionally, other people will withdraw their love, because this was a
> standard parenting technique that many of us experienced.
>
> We got punished for behaving badly, but this often wasn’t harmful behavior
> – it’s just behavior that was inconvenient emotionally for the parent,
> like expressing ourselves loudly or wanting to go outside. We got the
> timeout, we got the cold shoulder, we got the “Well, we’re not going then”,
> we got this I’m going to take away love because you’ve behaved in a way
> that simply isn’t my preference.
>
> The effects of the trauma
>
> Nice Guys get into relationships when they’re adults, and they think,
> “Man, if I behave in a way that is non preferential, if I behave in a way
> that creates any kind of unpleasant emotion and hurt, I’m going to lose her
> forever.”
>
> And they actually believe that, even though it might not be like a
> consciously held believe. They’ll think things like, “If I fight back
> she’ll divorce me” (and occasionally that is the case for some guys). It’s
> a sense of resistance or reluctance, like it’s not worth it.
>
> This unresolved childhood trauma often manifests as a Pick Your Battles
> mentality; a horrible, harmful cliche that they interpret as “never fight
> back ever”.
>
> Some guys are plagued by an “I’m always wrong” narrative. There are some
> nice guys that have been so punished for trying to be authentic when they
> were children and teenagers that they have the assumption that if someone
> disagrees with them, that’s evidence that they must be wrong.
>
> They think other people’s reaction to them tells them if they’re on track
> or not. That kind of nice guy will back down, not because he’s thinks it’s
> good for the partner but because he thinks if they’re resisting this much
> that he must be incorrect, so backing down is actually seen as the noble
> position.
>
> Another main reason that men are afraid of their wives and their behavior,
> which often coincides with the first reason I just spoke about, is the
> foregone conclusion that being assertive definitely will create what they
> call negativity: negative emotions, bad results, disagreement and hassle,
> which is not worth the effort.
>
> They think it’s harmful to be assertive. They think they hurt the other
> person and it’s pointless. Why would you throw money away on something that
> isn’t valuable? Why would you assert yourself if it only harms a
> relationship?
>
> They think, “Well, if the perfect life has no conflict, then the way to
> achieve it is to not have conflict, obviously. So if I am having conflict,
> I’m doing it wrong.”
>
> So most guys always think if I’m assertive, and that creates resistance, I
> must be doing this wrong because a perfect life wouldn’t have this
> resistance. They’re always trying to find this way where there’s no
> conflict at all.
>
> Assertive is not the same as Aggressive
>
> Aggressive is going to someone and harming them when they there’s no
> reason to. It’s crossing the line. It’s trying to cause damage in somebody
> else’s life, trying to control somebody else.
>
> When you’re simply stopping them from doing that to you, creating a wall
> to your fort that they can’t get past – you don’t actually go over and
> invade their fort but you don’t let them invade yours – that’s
> assertiveness.
>
> Assertive is: The buck stops here. I’m not tolerating their behavior. Stop
> it right now. I’m gonna do what I want. You do what you want. I’m not
> harming you, so leave me the fuck alone.
>
> A lot of nice guys will say that, “Everything assertive is aggression and
> always harms other people, and philosophy says you shouldn’t do that, so
> I’m likable for being a pussy.”
>
> And once a nice guy gets married, you get into this inter subjective
> cultural idea, which is that this is what being a husband is – the wife is
> the boss. You’re this browbeaten little coward, and you just kind of roll
> your eyes and joke with your mates and talk about how the missus won’t let
> you do this and won’t let you do that and you have to hide this from her
> because otherwise she’ll throw a fucking fit.
>
> This idea like you’re scared of her reacting to you being honest and that
> it’s okay because everybody else is. Just because you all drink poison
> doesn’t make it healthy.
>
> The Nice Guy backfire
>
> This whole thing is a great example of what I call the nice guy backfire.
> A backfire is a strategy that actually causes the thing that it’s trying to
> prevent. And nice guy syndrome is just rife with this. I’ve made other
> pieces of content about this, that you can go and check out:
>
> Basically every strategy that a nice guy has was formed in childhood by a
> child who didn’t know shit and had an immature mind. When they get into
> adulthood, it just backfires.
>
> Break the cycle
>
> What you don’t understand as a nice guy husband is that you need to stand
> up for yourself and cause short term conflict in order for long term
> results like being respected, being trusted, being relied on as a
> protector, and being seen as a real man that is attractive.
>
> All of these things come from you being assertive to your partner. When
> you’re trying to avoid and prevent conflict you doom the relationship. You
> make her unsatisfied, you make her feel unsafe, you make her very unlikely
> to want to stay, you make her much more likely to cheat.
>
> The instant gratification of her not being upset right now comes with a
> terrible long term cost. I work with the guys who are in their 40s and 50s
> and now they’re divorced. I know where this leads.
>
> Even if she brags about how lovely you are to her friends, that’s actually
> a red flag. If you’re doing things right as a husband, she should have
> something to complain about. There should be that bit of behavior you do
> that just annoys her and you still won’t change, and the thing you said
> that offended her, and that thing that you do that she doesn’t understand
> and she wishes you did something else. There has to be a bit of that for
> you to be authentic.
>
> If you’re dealing with say a narcissistic or antisocial personality, and
> they’re deliberately manipulating you and deliberately holding you down
> with fear, and you try stand up for yourself, they’ll do what’s called an
> extinction, which is they’ll have such an extreme overreaction to you
> standing up to yourself that it just absolutely decimates you and makes you
> never want to do it again.
>
> If you find that you being assertive leads to that kind of thing – plates
> being thrown, threats of divorce, cheating, horrible behaviors, and
> overreaction to you just standing up for yourself, not even trying to
> change the other person just standing up for what you believe in – then
> it’s very likely that you are in a totally toxic relationship, and the
> other person you’re with is very unwell. The relationship needs to end.
>
> When you first start asserting yourself after many years or perhaps
> decades of never doing it, yeah, you’re gonna get a bad reaction. She’s
> used to this little housecat and suddenly she’s got herself a Rottweiler.
> She’s going to fight back.
>
> She’s going to fight back partly out of the hope that this is real. What
> wives do with husbands when they start standing up for themselves is they
> push back to see if he stays strong. This might look negative, but what
> she’s actually hoping you’ll do is hold your ground so that she can finally
> say, “My husband has a spine!”
>
> The best advice
>
> If you can’t repair this relationship, at least you might be able to have
> better ones in the future. Or you can take this relationship, which might
> actually have a lot of good elements to it, and make it great by adding
> assertiveness. I can help you do that.
>
> K Rajaram IRS 11225
>
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