Psychological reasons for fear of wives or women
Psychological reasons for fear of wives or women include trauma or negative
past experiences, fear of not meeting expectations, a feeling of being
outmatched by women's strength or competence, and a perceived fear of
consequences from women due to societal or legal factors. In some cases, a
specific phobia called gynophobia can develop due to severe negative
experiences.
Specific psychological factors
Trauma and negative experiences: Past experiences of abuse or other
traumatic events involving women can lead to an intense fear and anxiety
around them.
Fear of expectations: Men may fear they are unable to meet a woman's
demands, whether emotional, financial, or sexual.
Feeling of being outmatched: Fear can arise when a woman demonstrates
strength, competence, or self-confidence that makes the man feel inferior
or threatened.
Fear of conflict or anger: Witnessing a woman's anger can trigger a "fight
or flight" response, especially if conflict is confused with abuse.
Social and legal factors: In some instances, a husband may fear negative
consequences from his wife, and attribute this fear to legal systems that
are perceived to favor women.
Fear of intimacy or commitment: Some fears are tied to the idea of marriage
itself, often stemming from unhealthy past relationships or a fear of
divorce.
Phobia of women (gynophobia): This is an intense and irrational fear of
women, which can be rooted in environmental factors and past negative
experiences.
Contributing factors and perspectives
Aging and dependency: Older men may become more dependent on their wives
for daily needs, leading to a fear of their own physical decline and
reliance on their spouse.
Strategic appeasement: Some men might feign fear to keep peace, maintain
control of the situation, or avoid conflict with their wives.
Misunderstanding of emotions: A lack of understanding of a woman's emotions
can lead to a fearful reaction when she expresses anger or other strong
feelings.
It is important to note that these are general psychological reasons, and
the specific reasons can vary significantly from person to person.
https://youtu.be/mQs0OzwEUHY why husbands frightened
https://youtu.be/WvK9iH0G7tY
Why are men afraid?
Well, the key is that men don’t even test it to see what will happen. A
classic nice guy, when he gets into a relationship, quickly loses all
assertiveness and all disagreeableness, especially once the relationship is
officially established. It happens well before marriage, and escalates over
time, until he’s a meek little follower.
But the fact is that he hardly ever brings it up. He never takes a stand
and never finds out what will happen if he really goes hard on a point. He
gets a bit of resistance at the start – an emotional reaction he’s
uncomfortable with – and completely surrenders from there on out.
What are they afraid of?
First is they’re afraid that something big and final will happen, and it’s
not even worth the risk of testing. You can’t test this because it’ll be
such a devastating impact that you won’t be able to repair it. There will
be no second chances.
Or they have come to the conclusion that isn’t worth testing because
they’re sure of the predicted outcome. They’ve tested it before in some
way, or they believe they have, and they “know how it’s gonna go.” They’re
not going to bother testing boundary setting again because they see it as a
guaranteed failure..
Most nice guys are afraid that conflict and disagreement and dislike equals
end of the relationship; total abandonment.
I’d think, “See, she didn’t want to have sex with me last Thursday, and now
we’re broken up. Told you!” I didn’t realize, of course, the way I reacted
to her not wanting to have sex is probably the reason we broke up.
Nice Guys have this idea from childhood trauma that if I am difficult
emotionally, other people will withdraw their love, because this was a
standard parenting technique that many of us experienced.
We got punished for behaving badly, but this often wasn’t harmful behavior
– it’s just behavior that was inconvenient emotionally for the parent,
like expressing ourselves loudly or wanting to go outside. We got the
timeout, we got the cold shoulder, we got the “Well, we’re not going then”,
we got this I’m going to take away love because you’ve behaved in a way
that simply isn’t my preference.
The effects of the trauma
Nice Guys get into relationships when they’re adults, and they think, “Man,
if I behave in a way that is non preferential, if I behave in a way that
creates any kind of unpleasant emotion and hurt, I’m going to lose her
forever.”
And they actually believe that, even though it might not be like a
consciously held believe. They’ll think things like, “If I fight back
she’ll divorce me” (and occasionally that is the case for some guys). It’s
a sense of resistance or reluctance, like it’s not worth it.
This unresolved childhood trauma often manifests as a Pick Your Battles
mentality; a horrible, harmful cliche that they interpret as “never fight
back ever”.
Some guys are plagued by an “I’m always wrong” narrative. There are some
nice guys that have been so punished for trying to be authentic when they
were children and teenagers that they have the assumption that if someone
disagrees with them, that’s evidence that they must be wrong.
They think other people’s reaction to them tells them if they’re on track
or not. That kind of nice guy will back down, not because he’s thinks it’s
good for the partner but because he thinks if they’re resisting this much
that he must be incorrect, so backing down is actually seen as the noble
position.
Another main reason that men are afraid of their wives and their behavior,
which often coincides with the first reason I just spoke about, is the
foregone conclusion that being assertive definitely will create what they
call negativity: negative emotions, bad results, disagreement and hassle,
which is not worth the effort.
They think it’s harmful to be assertive. They think they hurt the other
person and it’s pointless. Why would you throw money away on something that
isn’t valuable? Why would you assert yourself if it only harms a
relationship?
They think, “Well, if the perfect life has no conflict, then the way to
achieve it is to not have conflict, obviously. So if I am having conflict,
I’m doing it wrong.”
So most guys always think if I’m assertive, and that creates resistance, I
must be doing this wrong because a perfect life wouldn’t have this
resistance. They’re always trying to find this way where there’s no
conflict at all.
Assertive is not the same as Aggressive
Aggressive is going to someone and harming them when they there’s no reason
to. It’s crossing the line. It’s trying to cause damage in somebody else’s
life, trying to control somebody else.
When you’re simply stopping them from doing that to you, creating a wall to
your fort that they can’t get past – you don’t actually go over and invade
their fort but you don’t let them invade yours – that’s assertiveness.
Assertive is: The buck stops here. I’m not tolerating their behavior. Stop
it right now. I’m gonna do what I want. You do what you want. I’m not
harming you, so leave me the fuck alone.
A lot of nice guys will say that, “Everything assertive is aggression and
always harms other people, and philosophy says you shouldn’t do that, so
I’m likable for being a pussy.”
And once a nice guy gets married, you get into this inter subjective
cultural idea, which is that this is what being a husband is – the wife is
the boss. You’re this browbeaten little coward, and you just kind of roll
your eyes and joke with your mates and talk about how the missus won’t let
you do this and won’t let you do that and you have to hide this from her
because otherwise she’ll throw a fucking fit.
This idea like you’re scared of her reacting to you being honest and that
it’s okay because everybody else is. Just because you all drink poison
doesn’t make it healthy.
The Nice Guy backfire
This whole thing is a great example of what I call the nice guy backfire. A
backfire is a strategy that actually causes the thing that it’s trying to
prevent. And nice guy syndrome is just rife with this. I’ve made other
pieces of content about this, that you can go and check out:
Basically every strategy that a nice guy has was formed in childhood by a
child who didn’t know shit and had an immature mind. When they get into
adulthood, it just backfires.
Break the cycle
What you don’t understand as a nice guy husband is that you need to stand
up for yourself and cause short term conflict in order for long term
results like being respected, being trusted, being relied on as a
protector, and being seen as a real man that is attractive.
All of these things come from you being assertive to your partner. When
you’re trying to avoid and prevent conflict you doom the relationship. You
make her unsatisfied, you make her feel unsafe, you make her very unlikely
to want to stay, you make her much more likely to cheat.
The instant gratification of her not being upset right now comes with a
terrible long term cost. I work with the guys who are in their 40s and 50s
and now they’re divorced. I know where this leads.
Even if she brags about how lovely you are to her friends, that’s actually
a red flag. If you’re doing things right as a husband, she should have
something to complain about. There should be that bit of behavior you do
that just annoys her and you still won’t change, and the thing you said
that offended her, and that thing that you do that she doesn’t understand
and she wishes you did something else. There has to be a bit of that for
you to be authentic.
If you’re dealing with say a narcissistic or antisocial personality, and
they’re deliberately manipulating you and deliberately holding you down
with fear, and you try stand up for yourself, they’ll do what’s called an
extinction, which is they’ll have such an extreme overreaction to you
standing up to yourself that it just absolutely decimates you and makes you
never want to do it again.
If you find that you being assertive leads to that kind of thing – plates
being thrown, threats of divorce, cheating, horrible behaviors, and
overreaction to you just standing up for yourself, not even trying to
change the other person just standing up for what you believe in – then
it’s very likely that you are in a totally toxic relationship, and the
other person you’re with is very unwell. The relationship needs to end.
When you first start asserting yourself after many years or perhaps decades
of never doing it, yeah, you’re gonna get a bad reaction. She’s used to
this little housecat and suddenly she’s got herself a Rottweiler. She’s
going to fight back.
She’s going to fight back partly out of the hope that this is real. What
wives do with husbands when they start standing up for themselves is they
push back to see if he stays strong. This might look negative, but what
she’s actually hoping you’ll do is hold your ground so that she can finally
say, “My husband has a spine!”
The best advice
If you can’t repair this relationship, at least you might be able to have
better ones in the future. Or you can take this relationship, which might
actually have a lot of good elements to it, and make it great by adding
assertiveness. I can help you do that.
K Rajaram IRS 11225
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