As the list is in a spiral of temper over all sorts of issues today...
Everything from boorish language to html mail is getting the once, twice,
and thrice over so I thought I'd share something I came across some time
ago. Everytime I start to take things too seriously I dig it up and have a
read. As this seems to happen quite often I have permanently preserved this
document in a directory called "The-Shrine" on my systems drives and this
directory gets preserved everytime I upgrade. For that matter, it's good
enough I should probably dedicate a partition to it's preservation! <grin>
It is without doubt one of the most artful flames I have ever come across
and it does not stoop, ever, into vulgarity as it rakes some poor soul over
the coals for whatever it is they may have done. I do not claim attribution
and have included the original author's info for posterity while
simultaneously protecting the identity of the poor, hapless, miscreant who
received this potent missive at origin. I was a witness to the original
event and later found that I had lost the seminal posting. I petitioned the
author for a copy and he sent it to me. It is awe inspiring... and utterly
captivating! So much so that it bears reading more than once... so take the
proverbial chill pill and settle down to read...
"The Ultimate Flame..." [tm]
(and don't forget to laugh)!
>From [EMAIL PROTECTED] Wed Sep 9 20:18:47 1998
Date: Mon, 07 Sep 1998 15:37:59 -0400
From: Andy Banks <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: [Fwd: A little laughter for the list :^)]
--
Andy Banks
CyberCable Network Operations
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
[ Part 2: "Included Message" ]
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 16:59:30 -0400
From: Andy Banks <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: Re: A little laughter for the list :^)
XXXX XXXXX wrote:
>
> XXXX XXXXX wrote:
>
> > As innaproriate as it may have been, I strongly feel it was actually
> > more relevant than some of the nonsense being posted. ;)
>
> Smiley noted.
>
> > I suppose you could argue the same about my reply.
>
> Nothing wrong with your reply other than the fact that you failed
> to cut out the 84 lines of of text that didn't need resending.
>
> You know, we're suppose to be the ones with clue.
Um... -> Pot -> Kettle -> "BLACK!"
And since I can't resist the chance, at least make your flames less
subtle...something more like:
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we
say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a
cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into
this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then
killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species
as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid
you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a
fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop
will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it
more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame
of your ignoble blood. May you ckoke on the queasy, convulsing nausea
of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you.
You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land
that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What
fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted
tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat,
spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of
wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You
are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow
wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off,
pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You
clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You
gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce.
You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead
cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb.
You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you
exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way
beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid.
You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself
so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense
that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day
sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our
entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a
troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this
is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some
pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to
be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from
me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your
ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or
any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
the only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away
most of the hapless drivel you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned
to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these
are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that
everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there
are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult.
If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your
post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a
handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social
struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
:)
--
Andy Banks
CyberCable Network Operations
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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