And here's what it's causing... ;)
STAR TREK 2000
PICARD Captain's log, star date 48101.4. We are proceeding to the
planet taRas. The inhabitants of that planet made contact with earth in
the year 2000, and we haven't heard of them since then.
We have been ordered to investigate. Since our sensors have
reported Romulan activity in this area of space, we are afraid the worst
may have happened.
DATA taRas is now in sensor range. We are detecting live signs,
and a low level of technology. They have developed computers, but they
have not yet invented warp engines.
PICARD Strange - they were more advanced than humans when they first
visited earth, and now, they seem to be just at about the same level we
were then.
How could there have been no advancement in the last 400 years?
DATA Actually, it was 377 years, two months, four days, two hours,
eight minutes and six seconds ago, Sir. But I do not know a reason,
either. It contradicts the rules of parallel planet
development and some social evolution theories.
WORF We are being hailed by the taRas.
PICARD On screen.
WORF It's not possible. They are transmitting binary data only.
PICARD Mr. Data, see what you can find out.
DATA They are sending data directly to our ship's computer. Trying
to decode. It would appear... Please wait... processing...
processing...
PICARD Mr. Worf, we can not permit that. Raise shields.
WORF It's not possible.
PICARD Why?
WORF Maybe you should have a look at this, Sir.
(Picard gets up, looks at Worf's console)
WORF'S CONSOLE
SHIELDS caused a general protection fault in module SECURITY
at address 0317:13AE.
PICARD Mr. Data, see what you can do about this.
DATA Stand by. Processing... Processing...
PICARD Mr. LaForge, report to the bridge!
LAFORGE On my way.
PICARD Open hailing frequencies. Maybe the taRas can help us.
WORF Frequencies open.
PICARD This is Captain Picard of ...
MAIN VIEWER
Out of memory
PICARD Try an audio-only transmission, Mr. Worf!
WORF Aye, Sir. You can speak.
PICARD This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation ...
WORF My console is displaying a rather strange error message,
Captain. Modem at COM2: is not configured correctly.
PICARD Modem? I've heard of that in a physics lesson at the academy.
Wasn't that an old form of communication, Mr. Data?
DATA Stand by... Processing... (LaForge enters)
PICARD Mr. LaForge, see what you can do about Mr. Data and the
ship's computer. Does anyone know what a modem is?
LAFORGE Yeah, it's an old device for communication between computers.
Modems have become obsolete when we developed micro-transmitters in the
year 2002 in the old time system.
PICARD Wait, were they still used in 2000?
LAFORGE Sure. They were quite common in that era.
PICARD Maybe the taRas copied the technology when they visited earth.
Mr. Data, get all information available about that era's technology.
DATA Please wait.
PICARD (sigh) Worf, see what you can find out about the era.
WORF Trying. The computer says drive C: is running in
compatibility mode, and slowed down. It will probably take a few hours.
TROI Captain, I am sensing a lot of stress from you. There's
nothing you can do right now. Take some time off.
PICARD Number One, you have the bridge. Inform me as soon as you've
found out something. (fade to Holodeck 1)
PICARD Computer, load program Dixon Hill 2.
COMPUTER
Please wait... Loading ActiveMovie...
10% ... 20% ... 50% ...
(later...)
COMPUTER
60% ...
(much later)
COMPUTER
Searching harddisk for BRIDGE.EXE. Found in
C:\PRIVATE\CRUSHER.WESLEY\GAMES\CARDS. Executing...
DISPLAY AT TURBOLIFT WALL
(displays a set of bridge cards)
Do you want rules?
WORF (rips the display's cables out of the wall, enters bridge
coordinates manually.)
(They finally arrive on the bridge)
DATA Processing... Please stand by.
WORF (walks to the science station, checks the data)
People in 2000 had an operating system called "Windows 2000",
which was known for its bugs.
PICARD Is it possible that the taRas copied this Windows 2000 to our
computers?
WORF Sure it is. They're using unconventional weapons. They have
no honor.
PICARD Captain's log, supplemental. Our ship's computers, including
Mr. Data, have been infected by a strange virus, known as Windows 2000.
Mr. LaForge is working on a way
COMPUTER
(system beep) The wave recorder does not support files that
are longer than 60 seconds. Your file has been erased.
WORF Something is showing up on the sensors!
PICARD On screen.
WORF The science station displays a rather strange message,
Captain... "Out of display memory."
LAFORGE This was a common problem with old computers. Try reducing
the resolution or the number of colors.
WORF This seems to work.
(Picture on the screen changes)
RIKER The BORG!
LAFORGE Not really. In a low resolution like this one, everything
looks like a square.
By the color, I'd say this is a Romulan Warbird.
PICARD Can you get the shields up?
COMPUTER
General protection fault
PICARD Red alert!!!
WORF It's not possible. The computer says there's an IRQ conflict
between the soundcard and the scanner!
PICARD We need all crew members in their positions! Deactivate
scanners, activate red alert siren!
WORF Sorry, Sir. Due to the IRQ conflict, we cannot deactivate the
scanners without deactivating the soundcard. And we cannot deactivate
the soundcard without deactivating the scanners, either.
PICARD Merde.
WORF They're powering up their weapons!
PICARD Fire phasers!
WORF The computer is prompting for a Manufacturer OEM driver disk
for an unknown device at DMA 3, Captain. This seems to be the primary
phaser array.
LAFORGE People in 2000 used laser printers... And phasers are not
_that_ different from lasers...
PICARD It's worth a try. Mr. Worf, set printer driver to HP LaserJet
IV. Print!
WORF Printer driver set. Loading Word...
(5 Minutes later)
WORF Word just caused a general protection fault in module
KERNEL32, Sir. I suspect they used undocumented functions that are no
longer supported in Windows 2000.
PICARD Try the Print Screen key!
WORF Computer estimates it will start printing in 19 minutes.
PICARD Get us out of here! Warp 8!
LAFORGE I'm afraid that won't be possible, Captain! It's common
knowledge that Windows 2000 deletes OS/2-Warp-Engines during
installation.
WORF The Romulans are hailing us.
PICARD Try to get them on screen!
VIEWSCREEN
(Displays a picture of a Romulan, 16 colors, 640x480. Large
letters appear)
FEDERATION STARSHIP
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR COMPUTER SYSTEMS
YOU ARE VIOLATING THE PEACE TREATIES
SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY
PICARD That's an idea. Try to answer in the same way. Send the message:
ROMULAN SHIP, WE ARE EXPERIENCING THE SAME PROBLEMS.
WE DID NOT SEND YOU THE VIRUS. IT SEEMS TO COME FROM THE PLANET.
RECOMMEND TO WORK TOGETHER IN ORDER TO GET OUR COMPUTERS WORKING.
LAFORGE Data seems to be working again!
DATA They are transmitting a program directly to our computer. It
seems to be a new operating system. Remove their operating system. It is
an old form of communication between computers used to exchange
programs, data and letters. What is important about the era in the
current situation is that some people used a faulty operating
system known as Windows 2000. It is not possible, because my
current operating system does not support multi-tasking
adequately.
PICARD What was that???
DATA The answers to the questions you asked me while I was
controlled by the old system. I couldn't reply to them earlier.
Windows 2000 does not support voice output, Sir.
PICARD Ah, well, forget it. How have you restored your system?
DATA I have rebooted from an ext2 partition of my brain. Windows
2000 was not able to read the data on the partition, and so it could not
find my original operating system and delete it.
PICARD Repair the ship's computers in the same way. Raise shields
immediately, so they can't transfer the system again.
DATA Aye, Sir.
(Makes it so)
COMPUTER CONSOLE
Uncompressing LCARS (Linux Computer Add-on for Reliable Systems)...
Ok, now booting the kernel...
PICARD Looks good. I think we should help the taRas get rid of that
system, as well.
RIKER Violate Prime Directive?
PICARD No, Number One. Windows 2000 was written by Microbrain-Soft, an
ancient earth computer software company. We are actually undoing damage
that was done by our interference before we had the Prime
Directive.
DATA I agree. And, Captain, I think we have found the reason why
there was no advancement on taRas. It was the same situation on earth
when humans used Windows 2000. Before completing any
sort of research, the computer erased all data on the project
for some unknown reasons.
PICARD Interesting theory, Mr. Data.
DATA Yes. It is strange that there is still a copy of Windows 2000
in the universe. According to our informations, the last copy was
deleted stardate 003.1 on the Ferengi homeworld.
PICARD The Ferengi? How did they get the system?
DATA When Microbrain-Soft first released Windows 2000, they spent a
lot of money on advertising it - successfully. People bought and
actually used Windows 2000 until they learned to understand
their computer breakdowns were not hardware related, as
Microbrain-Soft claimed.
The Ferengi somehow heard of this, and thought they could
make profit selling Windows 2000.
However, when their central banking system broke down after
installing Windows 2000, they thought it wasn't worth the risk,
and deleted their copies.
PICARD How could Microbrain-Soft sell that many copies? I know there
were some other systems on Earth...
DATA Well, Windows was not the only system that had problems.
People erratically thought Unix was for experts only, and
Microsoft somehow managed to make them keep their belief even
after Red Hat Linux eventually got easier to use than Windows.
The Klingons stopped using Macintoshes when we found out that
their ships can be detected while cloaked by simply listening for
that loud and annoying system beep. OS/2 was thought to be "Half
an Operating System", and the Atari ST operating system
"TOS" was no longer used when Microbrain-Soft spread rumors that
TOS ment "The Obsolete System"
In fact, people on Earth kept using Windows operating systems until
the last Windows developer switched over to Linux in 2003.
And of course...
PICARD Enough reasons, Mr. Data. We have more actual matters to take
care of. Transmit a message to the Romulans. Tell them how they can get
rid of the system.
WORF I must object! Leaving them the system would be our ultimate
chance to defeat them!
PICARD No... It would not be fair. Not even the Romulans deserve
this.
DATA Aye, Sir.
PICARD Just in case the Romulans accidentally try to print a text,
get us out of here. Speed: Warp v4.
DISCLAIMER: Microsoft, Windows, Windows 2000, Bugs, Lacking features, IRQ
conflicts, System crashes, Non-functional multitasking, the Y2K problem
and the Blue Screen of Death are registered trademarks of Microsoft,
Corp., Redmond, USA. (http://www.microsoft.eu.org/,
http://www.ms-windows-2000.com/)
No violation of copyright intended.
No Microsoft product was used in any way to write or send this text. If
you use a Microsoft product to read it, you're doing so at your own risk.
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