Christopher,

"that's not how linux (Ubuntu) bug reporting works."

I know. Ubuntu, and unfortunately most open-source, bug reporting works
like this:

1. try to find irrelevant formal problems with the report itself.
2. if OP still there, ask user to update kernel.
  2.5 do this 4 or 5 times to give OP sufficient time to give up.
3. if OP still there, wait until new distribution release
  3.5 now ask OP to update
4. if still there, ask OP to do kernel bisect or some other random task he 
won't be able to complete.
5. if still there, close bug anyway because it is planned to remove this 
feature some day.

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https://bugs.launchpad.net/bugs/1130037

Title:
  regression-update kernel 3.5.0-24 alx suspend/resume

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