> >To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory > > From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy > >Dear staff members: > Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our >minor difficulties >in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. >Effective Monday: > >1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that >contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the >picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be >stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, >but it's a sad sign of the times. >2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no >longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be >reversed. Please don't tell anybody. >3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea >and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways >without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required >to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . >. . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk. >4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer >be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, >www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites >will be maintained, however. >5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will >no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting >advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls. >6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers >at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the >loakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to >"keep un eye on zem" for us. >7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts >of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend >projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping >the kids with their science fair projects. >8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational >use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, >the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted. >9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar >alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during >working hours. >10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must >enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit >employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in >late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many f >you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets >that have been entrusted to our care. > Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 >hours of the week! > Sincerely, > Bill --- | Terrorists - The Boogiemen for a new Millennium. | |"The moral PGP Diffie taught Zimmermann unites all| Disclaimer: | | mankind free in one-key-steganography-privacy!" | Ignore the man | | | behind the keyboard.| | http://www.ctrl-alt-del.com/~alan/ |[EMAIL PROTECTED]|
